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Amazing True Story

When you are young, you often marvel at the escapades of super-heroes. Men and women in capes who have some amazing powers derived from a freak accident of one type or another, or perhaps the effects of a genetic mutation, enjoy reverence from mortals. Even simply being an extra-terrestrial can endow one with super-human skills. In the wake of this remarkable admiration are the exceptional sales of comic books, box-office incomes from motion pictures and the spin-offs in the form of action figures, breakfast cereals, TV cartoons and Halloween costumes.

At one time or another, everyone has dreamed of getting super powers. This is a natural, human need, stemming from a psychological desire to be special or different, as well as loved and respected for the deeds you would, as such, accomplish. The darker souls, of course, might have thoughts of using their powers for their own personal gain; aspiring to smash into banks, museums, jewelry stores and the homes of the well-to-do.

However, few people understand that while the advantages to being a super-being are apparent, the disadvantages remain sadly overlooked.

Transition

Once you gain some powers, you must make the change from human to super-human. This can be difficult, since you must maintain your original lifestyle as well as that of your alter-ego. First of all, consider your petty, low paying job. Day after day, crimes occur and as a self-styled hero, you've got to jump out the window if you're to fly the scene and save the day. Amazingly enough, you'd be surprised how little your boss will appreciate your periodical absences. As you disappear for half an hour or more at least once each workday, the explanation "I got sick, Chief," becomes incredibly lame. In the fickle eye of your employer, there is only so much time one can spend hunched over a toilet. Unless you happen to be really, really important , you'll be reminded of how expendable your boss thinks you are by, say, being fired. You'll also be working two shifts each day -- by day you'll be slaving for a petty income, and by night you'll be fighting crime. Sleep? You won't be getting much of that anymore.

As a superhero, your body will become amazingly developed. Your muscles will swell and fat deposits will miraculously disappear, burned off by your super-metabolism. What could be the disadvantages of being truly beautiful, you wonder?

Oh, you shall see. If you are a woman, your breasts will become very, very large. Unrealistically, "pubescent-boy-fantasy" large, in fact. This is the curse of the super female. Sexual harassment will be the rule of your workplace, and even so me of your male super-comrades will occasionally try to cheaply feel you up. Don't think that you can wear a support bra under that costume, either, because it will show. And, unless you can fly, you are doomed to actually run from crime scene to crime scene, and the burdens of such activities will become painfully obvious. Female super-heroes are mandatorily retired by the time they reach about thirty-five.

Should you be a man, there will be, shall we say, certain expectations made of your manhood. Your body, being a larger-than life sculpture of muscle, will be the target of speculation from potential lovers and even the periodic casual observer.
As it is, unless you lucked out at birth, these expectations will unfortunately be unfounded.

Mortals

Gifted, perhaps, with the powers of a god, you have pledged yourself in some secret ritual to the protection of humanity. Unfortunately, the people of your city (it is vital that you base yourself in a major city. Need we remind you of the disastrous rural episodes of Captain Redneck and Hayseed Boy?) are petty and fickle. It's not like you get paid or anything, for constantly saving their lives, and, really, even preserving the safety of the whole world. But do you get any gratitude? Will you get any cards at Christmas with the little inscription, "So pleased you stopped the mad Dr. Pestilence from blowing us all up?" Of course not. When something bad happens, it's your fault because you didn't arrive in time. Never mind that, statistically, there is a mugging every four seconds and a rape every twenty. Feel free, mankind, to ignore the fact that it's not the hero's responsibility when someone with a blood alcohol content twenty times that of the legal restriction gets behind the wheel, drives off of Deadman's Gorge, and agonizes to his family how you failed to prevent the destruction of his new truck. While the people of the city might be very pleased that you saved the life of someone jumping off of a building, the jumper himself could feel rather bitterly towards you. It must be said that there will be times when you will feel like giving up on mankind.
Consider this excerpt quoted from a major metropolitan newspaper:

...when he saved thirty-five-year-old Cathy Tanner from the attack of a psychotic killer who broke into her apartment. Tanner and her two children, aged three and eight, were asleep when the man entered the bedroom with the intent of killing and robbing her. It was our city's own caped crusader who burst into the scene just in time to carry the criminal away. Unfortunately, he arrived too late to save the life of the woman's dog, killed by the intruder as he grew irritated of its frenzied, high pitched barking. The killer, forty-two-year-old Mark Sweet of Hampton Falls, has been charged with breaking and entering the apartment, assault with intent to kill, attempted robbery and manslaughter.
"I'm so grateful that he saved my children and me from that terrifying episode," Cathy said after the incident, "but he didn't have to smash through the walls. No one can give me back the walls like they were before he burst through them. Someone's paying for this."
"I'm sorry," she says later, "but I just keep wondering. He couldn't use the door?" ...
(Daily Star, Monday, January 13, 1992)

Crime syndicates will combine the entirety of their respective resources in the attempt to find a way to kill you. Often, they will be led by a super-criminal or criminal genius who for some reason or other hates you, and only you. They won't spend their time stealing money or gold, oh no, instead they will always be plotting your demise. Since you have special powers, you will often also have a special weakness that, if played upon, can take away your powers, or even cause death. These kingpins will know of your vulnerability and exploit it each time you fight them. Should you have no weaknesses, they will use knock-out gas on you. Every time, knock-out gas. Always with the knock-out gas. Again with the knock-out gas. Oy gevalt!

Federal agencies will often secretly devise ways to kill you as well, because governments see many things as a potential threat to national security, and you will be one of them. You can save the President of the United States from any number of attempts on his life, yet there will always be a covert group in the CIA waiting for you to slip up and give them an excuse to kill you.

You usually hear of super-heroes revealing their secret identities to lovers. This is a very stupid thing to do, since, if this relationship, which was supposed to last "forever" fails, your ex-lover, who now likely couldn't care less if your tights give you a super-wedgie, really has something to hold over you for the rest of your life. "What? He didn't pay the child support this month? I don't think so. I'm sure his arch-enemy, Dr. Hate, would pay me pretty darn good to find out where he has sex with his under-aged girlfriends."

Special Powers

Key to your role is the development of remarkable ultra-human abilities. Usually caused by a freak accident involving a mysterious type of radiation, perhaps making you a mutant, you are confronted by the appearance of your powers and decide to use them for the betterment of civilization. These powers vary from individual to individual, and the extents of these abilities usually influence your newfound identity, e.g., calling yourself "Fire Man" because you can spontaneously combust yourself at will. Some of the most common developments are underlined here for your enlightenment.

Invulnerability

If you're lucky, you'll become invulnerable. This means that nothing can hurt you; when a criminal fires his gun at you, the bullets harmlessly bounce off of your chest. Lighting strikes can't kill you, and at some time you will boast that they only tickle you.
Granted, you may be impervious to any bodily harm, but if, just if, your appendix gets inflamed, you're dead. A surgeon couldn't operate on you if he used a chainsaw. And you can never again get a haircut, if the scissors are only going to be shredded by the indestructible hair on your head. Don't bother trying, because even a hairstylist could piece together the evidence at hand to conclude that, "Hey, he's one of them super-hero guys!"

Consider also, that by the same hindrance, you can't shave either. Some invulnerable super-heroines wear skirts, but most wear tights exclusively. As a man, even electrolysis isn't going to make that nasal hair go away any faster, or prevent your eyebrows from growing together.

Invulnerability and sex -- this is the tough one.
When you consider that your body is impenetrable, the true scope of how handicapped you really are in your super-human ability becomes apparent. To avoid damaging mortals, you must confine your relationships to supermen. Invulnerable males, too, are discouraged from dalliances with ordinary humans, since the birth of an invulnerable baby hurts -- a lot.

Flight

Perhaps the greatest of the gifts you could receive is the power to fly. You might be able to glide gently along the tops of skyscrapers, or scream around the world in mere seconds, but the sensation of unaided flight is undoubtedly the most therapeutic and euphoric pleasure allowed for human experience.
For some reason, though, being able to fly gives every shaky government the excuse to launch nuclear missiles at you any time you happen to be performing a mission in their airspace.

Energy Projection

Some super-humans may acquire the means to store energy in their bodies, from the sun, generally, and project it in controlled bursts. This can be, of course, an excellent weapon. Occasionally you can use this power to aid in flight; say your hands are the source of your energy output. They can be pointed downwards and you use the energy blasts to hurl your body around.

Shooting electricity from your hands can be pretty cool, especially when them pesky Jehovah's Witnesses show up at an inconvenient hour. Equally as good is being able to fire heat rays from your eyes -- however, in a moment of carelessness, you will inevitably forget, and then yet another costly pair of contact lenses are ruined.

Some super-heroes project x-rays, and you've probably often thought of being able to peek through the clothes of an attractive member of humanity. X-ray vision is a tricky thing to control. Sure, you'll be able to see past the confining undergarments of strangers on the street, but generally, you'll also be able to see recent meals gurgling through their digestive tracts. You should know already that this is not a side you will ever, ever want to see of someone. The perkiest teenager isn't quite as much of a turn-on when he or she has an intestinal infection.

Super Speed

You may be able to move at rates unparalleled by any natural creation. Traveling as fast as is possible for you, sometimes faster than sound, outside observers will perceive you as nearly invisible. Running fast can be useful, and has advantages, but if this is your only power, don't even bother. You're not a real super-hero. Spend your life delivering pizzas or winning gold medals in Olympic events but don't even try fighting crime. You're pathetic. What can you do? You can run across the water if you move fast enough -- like this has ever stopped a serial killer or a child abuser. You'll just be getting in the way of professionals.

Super Strength

Very important to the super-human is having exceptional strength. You can lift up cars and raise sunken ships when you gain the combined might of ten men or more. Some tricks you should be aware of when you have super strength are:

1. Crushing guns. Whenever you foil a crime, it looks really good when you take the guns away from the perpetrators, and squeeze them in your mighty hands. The metal will rend and squeak as the weapons are crumpled as neatly as a beer can.
2. Crushing beer cans. At parties, take any empty beer cans, or any full ones for that matter, and smoosh them mindlessly. For some reason, the girls love it, though some men may feel threatened if you happen to be female.
3. Crushing heads. A variation on Kids In the Hall comedy routines, you should probably only do this to criminals who have gone way over the edge of outlaw decency. Wear gloves, since brain juice is messy.
4. Ripping off car doors. Hey, it just looks cool.

As with every power you can get, though, there are problems to having super strength. There are some things you will never be able to do again, or at least without so much delicacy that the difficulty outweighs the rewards. These include: masturbation, hugging a loved one, shaking hands, oral sex, holding hamsters, performing The Heimlich Maneuver and milking cows (God No! Not milking cows! How will I live!?).

So, if you do become a super-being, you are now warned that your life may in fact be pointless and depressing. You might even end up trying to kill yourself, but if you're invulnerable, you probably can't. Oh, the irony.

 

 
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