You know what love is? It's a human chemical addiction. That's right.

Love is an inherent addiction to sebum, a chemical secreted by the sebaceous glands. The only sources of sebum to be found are the lips, nipples, and genitals of another human being. That's where love comes from. After all, it is well understood that a person will go to very extreme ends to satisfy any sort of addiction.

During this stage called "love," the brain itself also secretes natural endorphins, and once released, they cause the clichéd euphoria, giddiness and a need to compose poetry. A compound present in chocolate mimics this endorphin, enough to satisfy the brain's addiction, and it is for this ingredient that many chocolate cravings, particularly among women (who get enough disappointment to know a good thing when they see it), begin.

When one breaks up with a lover, and then one spends the next three weeks crying, feeling lethargic, irritable, deprived of all will to live, and, again, devotes all spare time to writing poetry, this person is only going through a severe withdrawal phase. The pains are agonizing at first, but eventually you get over them, especially when you find a new "fix." Try giving up cigarettes, coffee, or (yes) chocolate for any period of time. I bet you'd be feeling pretty much the same sort of thing. At the same time, modern literature would also slant towards the fundamental beauty of certain tobacco-laden, paper wrapped combustible carcinogenic delights.

Love occurs because it seems to be nature's last resort in getting people to interact and preserve the species. Simple instinct works for most animals, but, acting on intelligence and conscious thought, human behaviour is much more random and independent. We're selfish; we're private. We don't like each other, and there is nothing, not even primitive pheromones, mating cycles or even the finest Spanish Fly, that is going to change this fact. The delicate self-image we bear makes people ashamed of their bodies, and we dislike exposing them. This complicates sex a bit, since nakedness is something of a prerequisite.

For all its hype, sex is quite a terrifying, painful, or even boring, experience for many people, especially the first few times. All that sweating, inhuman howling and grunting, clawing, and scratching going on bears little resemblance to what the mass media would have you think it is. Although sitcom characters walk around singing when "The morning after" is depicted, real intercourse has little to do with flowers and piped-in saxophone music.

Sex basically involves two people who think that they've got something special going (though one or both members may perhaps merely looking for a few commitment-free jollies) taking off their clothes and trying very hard not to make a baby.

If you compare making love to the experience of eating a bowl of cold breakfast cereal, you'll find that the cereal is, actually, way better. While on the surface both are agreeable and taste fairly good, only the cereal has no negative side effects. No one can force you to eat Cheerios, after all.

Breakfast cereal is a constant part of your life, a faithful companion. Few people would ever consider being disloyal to their high-fibre friend and switch brands. Only in sex would anyone think of picking up "The cheapest thing there."

Pay heed also that people tend not to get bored of their cereals and sneak off to a diner to sample a few different varieties.

On top of that, only sweet, delicious cereal provides you with an entire 8 essential nutrients to help you start your day...

What does sex leave you? Children, genital herpes, and a sore back, that's what!

If, in spite of your human nature, you fall in love and find yourself tempted to consummate your passion in the manner of rodents, there are a few simple guidelines provided to make the experience somewhat more beautiful:

I. You really shouldn't be, er, belching, after oral sex.
II. Sexual toys have their advantages, but be sure you put the proper brand of batteries in, lest during a tender moment those half dead batteries you stole from the remote control expire in the most literal anticlimax -- or, worse, that the Energizer Bunny should arrive.
III. In bondage, make sure the person tying you up isn't really a very, very patient burglar.
IV. Repeat, if necessary.

In the end, there is little you can do about love. You can treat it like a disease, go to addiction meetings and try to keep on the wagon with well-meaning sebal teetotalers, or alternatively, you can give in to the impulses within you and hope for the best. You can focus your love on a man, a woman, or a member of the goat community; it's really your decision. Just remember -- be strong. Like all addictions, the high you receive will diminish over time, and you will crash and your life will return to normal. As you search desperately for some kind of new thrill, you'll discover so many things that your addiction made you blind to. A whole new world will open up for you to fill the void previously occupied by love -- the world of random drugs, alcohol, bitterness, crime and psychosis!