Speaking as one who is a vegetarian, let me just say that to avoid general craziness and starvation, I can and do cook for myself with skill and, if I may say, magnificent flavour potential. However, being the busy university type student that I am, not everything that comes from my labours is glorious or dainty... sometimes I just gobble down a bagel covered in melted margarine and artery-killing cream cheese before running outdoors to compel the bus gods to bless me with the noisy, crowded chariot which takes me to class.

One of the things I make up is pizza -- using, of all things, the handy dandy pizza mix brought to us by Kraft. It's a red box with a bag of flour/yeasty things, and a tin of tomato sauce. You add water, heat, cheese, and love, and eventually you have something very much resembling a pizza.

As it turned out, I was meticulously following the instructions on the box (I only pretend to embrace anarchy), when a piece of evil seized my brain. A spelling error. "No," I thought. "I am mistaken. Surely there could not be a mistake!" (language gussied up for drama... I probably didn't say a thing, and may have gotten as excited as to see if the oven had preheated yet, and then I clipped that part of the box off for later reference). Indeed, however, Kraft, that slick foodstuffs company, had proved itself fallible.

Well, now of course, things like that just don't matter. However, spelling errors are not to be gotten away with. I've corrected the spelling on job applications and exams, and the message I'm trying to convey every time is "Me me me! Look at me! See how awfully good my spelling is? I'm ever so clever, and BOY I need attention! Pay attention to me! Hello! Hello, hel-LO! I'm Rob! aaaaaahhhh.... I demand gratification!" (&c).

The next step was, of course, to send Kraft a letter. It was short and sarcastic, but polite and reasonable. It included the box and a short footnote to the effect that no one in human history has likely ever "gadually" done anything.

I mailed it, and got on with the entirely more crucial pining, mooning, swooning, and daydreaming that is my life. Time passed; my toenails grew.

Perhaps it was good that I included a return address, and perhaps it wasn't. It's really hard to say, but then the story would have ended long before this had I not bothered. On the way to class one day (my goal at the time being yet another postering campaign on behalf of the Carleton League of Super Villains, to commence later that evening with the help of some fellow goons) I stopped at the postal-type box inconveniently far from my house to check the mail; however, waiting for me was a giant envelope from Kraft.

The letter said:

   Dear [Rob]:

Thank you for contacting Kraft Canada 
regarding the directions on the KRAFT 
Pizza Mix Box.

We make every effort to ensure that all 
of our packaging is printed correctly.  
Unfortunately, an error has occurred, 
and for this I apologize.

The spelling error has been corrected for 
future products, but there may be some 
older boxes still on the shelves.  We 
appreciate your patience while these 
products clear the distribution system.

In light of your generous comments, we 
have enclosed a variety of recipes that 
we hope you will enjoy.

If you have any further questions, 
please feel free to call or write again.

   Sincerely,

	...[name deleted]

   Consumer Associate

My first thought was: "God. I sure hope he wasn't put to death over this." I had visions of this poor, meaningless, minor Kraft executive having his life destroyed on account of my anal spelling fixation, and I know I would completely lose my taste for these pizzas if his blood were symbolically part of the ingredients.

If anyone has a box of Kraft Pizza Mix that has the new corrected spelling, man do I ever want to hear about it. Mine still keep saying "gadually" in the directions. And not that I feel entitled to any special recognition or anything, but it did seem to be my destiny to fix this error, and so really, you have ME to thank for your perfect box of handy Kraft Pizza Mix, and no one else.

But I'd trade it all for a night in your arms.