For once in my verbose lifestyle, I have had it within me to simply shut up, because I honestly do not know what to say, or what to think. A week ago, Corben e-mailed me the sad news that she wouldn't have the time to see me on her last week before leaving for school, and whiny prick that I am, I obsessed about it and pouted and whined to the point where she thought I was deliberately trying to make her feel bad. Tuesday was the last day we spoke to one another, and at some point this past weekend, she left.

Of course, I know I'm wrong. I know that Corben had entirely too much to do with her week, and that she was shafting a lot of people to get as much done as she could. And that's called life, and that's the way it is, was, and had to be, and I was wrong to whine about it, and I was wrong to feel so selfish and slighted.

Surprisingly enough, when you think about how sappy and squishy and good-natured I am, I'm not really all that wishy washy. In fact, when it comes to a conflict, I can be prideful and obstinate, as was the case here. I was ready to confess my sins, and deal with the fact that I'm a prick at times, but I dug my sulky little size thirteens into the ground and waited for Corben to say something first. I gave her my phone numbers, and she may well have called (see Saturday's Snivel), but she never left a message, and I had no way of calling her back anyway, so I just sat down and waited. And now Corben's gone, and as much as I regret the fact that she left without us being able to talk about this, I was still hurt and angry to the very end.

Here is a transcript of the final conversation we had:

Message #174 (185 is last):
Date: Mon Aug 25 12:14:19 1997
From: (INMS Webmaster)
Subject: orangutan and orange tang
To: rfairchi@chat.carleton.ca
 
I don't even have time to breathe anymore, Rob. Sigh, moving away is so
hectic and frenzied and panicky.
 
Unfortunatey - I don't get to see you again until December. I just don't
have. Take heart in knowing that my two bestest friends in the entire
world (**** and ******) don't get to see me either because they are lazy
bums and won't sacrifice staying up late one night to spend time with
me. You can also take comfort in the fact that I don't get to see my
friends **** (a different one) and ***** until december either - and
both of them left for camp in June. Sob, I miss my friends. I'm truly
sorry - I would have *loved* to hang out downtown with you once more and
to go see your kittens (eeee - soo cute!!!) = (
 
A bunch of people are taking me to lunch at Philos - a really awesome
greek restaurant - on Thursday. We also have a big staff BBQ on
wednesday night.
 
Yesterday I went to the Pearl of India (the greatest indian restaurant)
for dinner for the last time until december or possibly later. I stuffed
my face and boy am I paying for it today! I also talked to ***** until
well past midnight so I'm sore and tired this morning.
 
Tonite I'm going to the EX - yes even though its raining and some guy
died yesterday.
 
Thursday night I'm going out to dinner with all my dancing friends and
one of my former teachers. Two of them are going to Ryerson for dance,
my teacher is moving to toronto and I'm leaving for Halifax. It will be
a sad reunion but still fun. Later that night (around 10) I'm out for
coffee with my friend ***.
 
Friday I'm going to my dad's house for dinner and then for a family
portrait with him and his four stunning daughters. Then I'm going to
party with ***** and all of his friends - they'll find any reason to
party and its a goodbye to ***/***** - *****'s best friend who is off to
his second year in Civil Engineering at Queens. I'm sleeping at *****'s
and then going back to my dad's for lunch and to take my sisters
swimming.
 
Oh yeah, somewhere in there I also have to pack!
 
Weehoo - I'm looking forward to my week off next week. There is nothing
to do there but read, sleep and eat - aahh, soo relaxing.
 
Well, from your email I gather that you are feeling better today. I hope
so anyway!
 
Sprout wings and fly today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Date: Tue Aug 25 13:12:06 1998
From: coffeego@ ("R.B.F.")
Subject: [pending]
 
 
  This is me being an extremely crappy friend.  That had to be said 
before you read on.
 
 
  I understand *why* I should take comfort in certain things, although 
this does not mean that I have the sense to.  I mean, I could feel 
*reassured* that people who are much closer to you than I am are as 
screwed for your time, but then again, they just didn't bother spending 
the time they *could* have with you, and in any case they're still going 
to miss you, and that's not something that really comforts me because it 
still sucks that you didn't see them, and it still sucks that they're 
not going to be able to see you for a long time.  I guess it's that I 
don't feel comfortable in being reassured that independent of ranking 
there are some people you just aren't going to get to see this week, 
because I'm still aware of that ranking.
 
  I'm not really upset that you can't see me, because I knew that was 
what you were going to say, and I've been doing my best to just accept 
it as something that neither of us can help.  I've known that since last 
week, when you told me how busy this week is going to be for you, and 
I've just been waiting for it to be put into words, largely because I'd 
hoped that maybe you'd find some extra time.  But hey.  I mean, I'm 
*disappointed,* and I'm going to really miss you, and I'm *sad* that I 
won't see you again before you go... but I can't be blamed for that, can 
I? 
 
  I'm sorry your friends didn't make the time to see you when they 
could, because I was ready to leap into action and change any plan in my 
own busy week to accomodate you, even though I'm not half as important, 
and it just makes me feel pathetic and desperate.
 
  I was amazed when I read that someone died at the ex.  Still, I wasn't 
actually *surprised* -- the ingredients were all there -- and in a 
macabre way I suspect that thrill seekers wouldn't flock to dangerous 
bungee jumps the way they do now if they *were* always perfectly safe.  
For some reason people like to believe that they themselves are above 
death, and this encourages them to test their mortality against the 
treacherous bungee cord.  You only have to look around you to see the 
bizarre number of near-suicidal activities we partake in every day as a 
result of the secret belief that it's just not going to happen to "me."
 
  Personally, I think a rainy Ex day could only be all the better for 
the storms.

Message #177 (185 is last):
Date: Tue Aug 25 14:02:27 1998
From: (INMS Webmaster)
Subject: I can fly 


  I'm sorry your friends didn't make the time to see you when they
could, because I was ready to leap into action and change any plan in my
own busy week to accommodate you, even though I'm not half as important,
and it just makes me feel pathetic and desperate.

- quote from Rob F., said to make Corben feel bad
 
Even if you didn't mean it that way - you knew it would make me feel
bad.
 
I do understand how you feel though but I will be writing to you once I
get an internet hookup. I value your friendship and i'm not going to
toss you away like an empty cardboard box.
 

Message #178 (185 is last):
Date: Tue Aug 25 14:41:17 1998
From: ("R.B.F.")
Subject: decanter
 
  The last thing I would want would be to make you feel bad, so when I 
unfortunately do lack the restraint to keep myself from whining and 
complaining and sniveling, it's because I feel bad and I'm so lost in 
dwelling that I want the whole world to know it.  I wrote the first 
reaction that came to me, and decided in the end that it deserved a 
caveat because as much as I knew how crappy it was for me to have these 
feelings, that nevertheless remained the way I felt.  I didn't accuse 
you for a second of wanting to toss me aside, but I felt low because 
it's clear that we have a different perspective on our friendship, and 
as much as I can't expect anyone to consider me their best friend in the 
world in just a month of physically knowing them, I've put so much of my 
heart into our friendship that I feel lost and imbalanced and selfish 
now.  
 
  If I had *wanted* you to feel bad, that would have meant it would 
somehow make me feel better, and I assure you that it would not.  It 
took no restraint at all for me to avoid saying the things that *would* 
have made you feel bad, because as much are there are words I could say, 
I care about your feelings.  I wish I could put it into perspective 
better than that, but it would involve me opening my big mouth again, 
and I'm just too close to tears to go in that direction.
 

Corben's probably not half as upset as I am, and that's the thing. I always overreact to silences and situations, and while I'm fretting and fuming and listening to depressing music and writing my brains out (quite literally, I assure you... I turned fifteen minutes and a bad mood into a seven hundred word introduction to a novel), she was probably just packing and having fun during her last hurrahs. And what can I say, when she finally does e-mail me, except that, yes, I did over-react, and that I'm really not much of a good friend?

I always talk about the dangers of the expecations we have of people, and yet I'm the worst one about that sort of thing. I always put together these elaborate visions of "the way it will be," and then when it completely fails to happen, I already have my heart so set on something that I wind up feeling deeply disappointed and really unhappy. Even if Corben could have found five minutes, I really wanted to make those five minutes swell. That's why I protest so much about deliberately trying to make her feel bad. I mean, I admit -- I really really do -- that everything I said was in the whiniest possible tone, with the worst possible sulking and sniffling affecting my word choice, but it really did upset me that she made time for people who couldn't be bothered to show up.

The stupid thing is, as childishly hurt as I was, I even had a pretty non-selfish reason to want to see her before she left, and I didn't tell her about it, because I didn't want to think I was trying to make her feel bad, and hence the irony of our final words. And if Corben gets web access before an e-mail account, well, I'm spoiling the surprise (but at least now you know), but I spent some time and money in an attempt to find a really swell going-away present for her, just because I wanted to give her something to send her off with, that would make her happy, and make her think of her pal Rob during the long months between now and her return home. I had this big goofy vision of the look on her face, and just kind of nonchalantly muttering, "Aw, think nothing of it," trying my best not to spoil the moment or anything. And it's one of my my tragic flaws that when I didn't get that happy last day, I instead behaved quite badly.

This is where we return to me really not knowing what else to say.

I hate the feeling of being unimportant, and it's something I'm super sensitive about, and I wish I could change that. I can't. I have to confess that I'm a whore for the centre of attention, and I hate it when other people are clearly so much more important than I am.

Here we go again, falling on that tired old rationalization: "Blah blah blah, so many of my friends have left me this summer, I'm feeling vulnerable and alone, blah blah blah, I need to feel supported and loved by the people close to me, blah blah blah, I feel hurt and neglected when they have other things to do." It's a sad cycle. I'm making up business cards -- maybe I'll put this on one of them. Let the buyer beware: ROB SUCKS.

With that in mind, I imagine there are quite a lot of alternate me's who are dead. When I was eight, I took a bad step on the icy surface of the Rideau River, and found myself completely underwater. It was that I had the presence of mind to grab the ledge of ice as I sank below the water that kept me from being swept away into the icy depths of the river. I'm sure there are all manners of alternative possibilities where I froze or drowned. At any rate, today specifically, I was coming home from work, on my way to the post office when an alternate version of me passed on. I had stopped at an intersection on Elgin street, waiting for the light to change, and although the light on the opposing direction had changed to red, the crosswalk had not yet become favourable to crossing. In anticipation of the little walkey guy appearing, though, I took a tiny little baby step out into the intersection; and when the sign still hadn't changed, I paused for a moment, unsure of the traffic. Precisely one second later, a car came tearing down the road from my left side, and just stopped in time to make it through the crosswalk and almost out into the street. Although the driver did stop the car, he had come so fast, and so far through the intersection that had I taken one more step before pausing, or left for even my baby step one second later, I would have been plowed under his car, probably with my brain leaking out through the inconveniently smashed in parts of my skull -- cut down in the flower of my youth, and with so much left undone.

I've often wished for the power to make things explode simply by pointing at them, or glancing at them meaningfully. I was so very furious today that if I'd had my way, there wouldn't have been enough that car, or its obnoxious driver, who was apparently Speed Racer, to even identify the remains with dental records. There would have been teeth, sure, but... in much smaller and bloodier pieces.

To all the alternate Robs who made the ultimate sacrifice this afternoon, I give you my thanks, and I promise not to die in any stupid ways. I bet I'd find death somehow disappointing. At the very least, I'm sure God would have some words for me about all that masturbation.

And to think, all that carnage for two flyers for back to school specials.

Brought to you by Jolt Cola, with
the buzzing and mild irritation of
caffeine induced paranoia.

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