I guess I should explain.

Last week, Corben and I had a fight. Not a big fight, and not even, really, by the strictest definition of the word at all, with the screaming and the crying and the lightsabre dueling and the endless accusations, really a fight -- but we weren't in good moods, and we weren't in good moods because of each other, so I call it a fight anyway. Essentially it was a set of opinions and misunderstandings which lead to some mutual unpleasantness, and additionally me getting characteristically upset as a result of my tendency to notice very small, very insignificant things which would be better off never having been noticed (and obsessed over) at all. The only reason it even really ended was because Corben basically begged me to please stop talking about it -- and as much as I still have some questions and issues, I am much happier when I can at least pretend there are no problems.

I'm still not as clear on the how's and why's as I should be. At one time, I was pretty sure that Corben had a crush on me, at least in some sense of the word, and this perception encouraged me to have a similar crush in kind. Perhaps I'm completely wrong about that -- I don't know. It's another thing we should have really talked about. Shortly after we met for the first time, I felt that her opinion of me was somewhat different from before... with perhaps some of the fascination and admiration replaced with generally good intentions. I tried my best to resist the temptation to turn this into a statement about myself, and how much I suck, and think of the situation as more of a consequence of her ability to trust people and some of the recent traumatic events of her life, including the fact that very shortly she would be moving quite far away. Still, I was pretty honest about my feelings, and additionally I was quite concerned about the fact that there really wasn't much time remaining before she went away to school, and my desire to maximize the time we spent together in our fledgling friendship before she had to leave had a tone of urgency to it that no doubt gave a poor impression. In the interests of preventing a calamity of hurt feelings, Corben put her feelings into words, and unfortunately I reacted to her request that we keep our friendship simple as an attempt to push me away. I felt that the words were unnecessary, and as much as I had accepted the situation even without a "let's be friends" speech, you have to understand that it still really is difficult to deal with formal rejection. It does all kinds of nasty things to one's self esteem, for example, and you walk around feeling ugly and worthless and as a result quite unpleasantly moody. Which was me last week.

Perhaps if this discussion had happened over coffee, it would have had a different ending. When you're with a friend in person, you can see that they don't mean to hurt you; you can hear the tones of her voice and look into her eyes, and you can absorb all kinds of details as they were meant to be taken, instead of firing off thoughts in a "Bleh. Deal with it," kind of way, and waiting for a response in kind. So we each reacted to one another's letters in various unintended ways. I mistook Corben's light, reassuring letters for a kind of curt distance, and my own attempts to understand what was going on in the absence of any other information was seen as putting words into her mouth. Corben gave me the chance to graciously back out of our friendship before I got too hurt, which I perceived as a severe misunderstanding of my motives and intentions, and also a dismissal of the importance of our friendship, which I in turn ranted about further. And I was miserable. I hate fighting with my friends -- it's something I very rarely do. Conflicts like that consume me and drain me and leave me hurt and afraid of losing someone special, and as I scramble for some kind of safe purchase my desperation serves only to usually inflame matters further.

The thing is, crush or no crush, I really care about that crazy girl. Corben and I have only had three occasions to spend any time together, but she really brings out a wonderful side in me. Whenever I'm with Corben, my spirits are lifted incredibly. All I do is laugh and joke and ponder scientific minutiae with her, and we talk so easily and freely, without ever running out of things to say. She brings out some of the best in me. Aside from e-mail lamentations, I don't think she's ever seen me glum or sulky, and it's a shame we communicate so heavily through text because when we're together, we think so much alike that I don't really think the kind of misunderstanding we've just suffered is even possible. We got together last night, the first time since our feud, and as much as I had deep reservations and fears about the experience, it wasn't difficult at all. Maybe I wish we could have talked about some of the things which were still bothering us, but we didn't, and we still had a wonderful evening. I felt happy for almost the entire night... except, as is inevitable, at the point at which she had to leave. Corben had earlier confessed a penchant for Godiva chocolates, bordering on orgasmic trigger, so because I knew she'd like them, and because it would be unexpected, I arrived with a big box of what I considered to be a most exquisite assortment (having spent the entire time since deciding to pick them up for her working on my resolve to absolutely refuse sharing any of them, because I intended them for her pleasure, and hers alone). I also bought her a butterball bath bomb from Lush (if you don't know what a bath bomb is, go to Lush (located in many fine cities, including Ottawa on (I believe) William Street in the market) and discover their luxurious goodness), as she was uninitiated to the hedonistic pleasures of such things, and Corben has, in addition to suffering stress and deadlines and emotional upsets, been mysteriously ill and subject to many grueling tests. There are few things outside of gonadic indulgence so pleasing, and no religion as good for the soul on a horrible day.

I don't know how good or bad our lot is at this point, but I'm willing to accept that at the very least we both had a great time last night and shall be guaranteed to have at least several more such fun outings before she leaves. I just hope that's enough.

This is the third anniversary of the day Broken and I met (with the assistance of our mutual friend Mumford), so tonight after work we shall be going to the National Gallery to peruse and admire, then most assuredly out for dinner, and then most assuredly I'll have to duck at and head to Charlottes house, because she is still away and even an anniversary isn't worth the grief two dead ferrets would cause.

More, as always, at another time.

Message #142 (146 is last):
Date: Fri Aug 14 14:38:10 1998
From: inms.webmaster@ (INMS Webmaster)
Subject: Revenge of the corbens

[personal parts cut...]
 
As for your Snivel. I still think you just don't get it. I'm not telling
you to not talk about it because I don't want to but simply because I
don't see anything to talk about.  I casually made a clarification in
our friendship JUST IN CASE you might start to get too attached. I
didn't assume you liked me I just thought I would tell you how I felt so
you wouldn't waste your time falling for someone who wasn't going to
fall back. Any normal person would have thought "well, I'm a little
disappointed but at least now I know where I stand and I won't have to
moon and fret over everything I say because I know she will accept my
friendship and doesn't expect anything more."
 
But then you went all crazy and I tried to reassure you and you got even
*crazier* and analyzed and assumed and blah. I never had a crush on you
- how could you have a crush on someone you  never met??? I'm sure it
could happen but it would be unfounded and most likely end up in
disappointment.
 
I don't know what I'm saying. I don't mean to be harsh I'm just really
trying as hard as I can to explain how this situation seems so
ludicrously simple to me. We are friends, I was just looking to save us
both some hurt feelings. I didn't even expect you to comment on it.
 
We were not in a fight. You are not a horrible yucky person. I wouldn't
be your friend if you were. THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO HAVE ISSUES!.
We are friends - what more is there to classify as an "issue"?
 
Nothing. nadda. zip. zero.zilch.
 
Honestly, Rob, really think about it. When faced with absolute
NECESSITY, what HAS to be said further? Think hard and pick apart
everything you  think should be said and then compare the "I want to say
this" list with the "this is what NEEDS to be said" list. If you come up
with something valid I'll listen.
 
Just a reminder that this was never an issue with me. I can not stress
that enough. I did not experience grief or pain except for when I feared
I had hurt you with my ungraceful fumbling words.
 
I hope i didn't just go and make things worse for you - but you wanted
to know what i thought about the snivel.

I wasn't going to quote Corben directly, but I'm feeling a bit like a dork right now, and I'd rather have it in her own words than trying to explain what a dork I am in mine.

Brought to you by Jolt Cola, with
the buzzing and mild irritation of
caffeine induced paranoia.

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