the daily snivel

  Still not a menace on the roads.

I'm pleased to say that I passed my defensive driving evaluation this week with flying colours. My instructor actually remarked it had been a long time since he'd seen so few shifting, steering, and general handling errors, as much as I need to work on being much more observant (in terms of things like scanning inside and ground-viewing parked cars and keeping a minimum eye lead time when in motion), which was where my score really suffered (I got a 44 out of 50 - a pass is 35). But one thing I definitely didn't do was make any kind of driving error or illegal move that would have failed me on a road test. I was starting and shifting very smoothly -- most times, you can't even feel the car shift. I'm definitely becoming a better and better driver each week as I progress through my lessons. I'm not perfect, of course, but I have come a long way from the nervous nellie who first started shifting gears in a parking lot last winter and stalled far too often in the middle of downtown traffic.

In fact, I think I'm just about ready to take my road test, and am seriously considering taking it in my instructor's manual Mazda3, even though so many people have said it's a much easier test to do in an automatic. I'm becoming very comfortable with a manual transmission and have gotten over a lot of bad habits and beginner's mistakes. Certainly when the time comes to buy a car, I know I'm not going back. The final evaluation for my driving course will actually be a simulated driving test -- running the same route and using the same maneuvers as will be required by the Ministry examiner (all of whom are trained by Young Drivers these days). If I can pass that, I know I will be truly ready to take the road test and get my licence.

The one thing that I'm still working on is processing lots of information at the same time while driving, in the sense that you have to be aware of who is behind you, what's going on up ahead, whether the traffic light is "fresh" or "stale" and whether anyone's about to cut you off. I'm quite good at this on a bicycle, but everything happens a lot faster in a car, and while much of driving is now second nature to me, there's still refinement. Of course, if I had any access to a car, I'd have the ability to practice outside my weekly lessons, but such is not the case.

Still, my instructor and I both learned a lesson about the powers of observation, because we both missed what could have been a very serious accident until it was almost upon us. I'd been stopped on the Vanier Parkway, about to turn left onto St. Patrick Street to return to the University of Ottawa, and we were waiting for our turning arrow. There's no ability to turn from that lane if the arrow isn't green, and we'd been advancing slowly forward and had to wait as some fire trucks blared through the intersection, and the light would quickly change throughout this progress and stay red for considerable periods of time. Finally, we were at the head, the arrow turned green, and my instructor told me to get moving. Ahead we went, when all of a sudden a car decided to proceed through the red and turn left onto the Parkway. She cut right into our path and had we both not caught it and hit the brakes together (such cars have a passenger-side brake pedal for the instructor), she would have thoroughly t-boned us on the passenger side. I don't believe in honking horns out of anger, but I was sorely tempted to. It was an idiotic thing for that driver to do. I don't know if she'd run the red or was absent-mindedly anticipating her light to change green, but I learned something about being really clear on not assuming that you're in the clear just because your turn is protected by a signal. People can and will do idiotic and illegal things. Commensensical, yes, and of course I do scan intersections before proceeding, but you really only need to have it happen in practice once to hit home.

On the other hand, the fact that both my instructor and I were caught by surprise didn't make me feel as bad. She really did just come out of nowhere. The intersection looked perfect, and had motion not cut into the corner of my instructor's eye, we could both have been badly hurt (and at the very least his precious shiny new car would have been).

I guess the lesson is, you have to be a very cautious and defensive driver, because a lot of other drivers out there are complete numbnuts (and yes, I'm talking to you, Mr. I'm-reading-the-Globe-and-Mail-while-I'm-driving).

Luckily, this official test says I am a very cautious and defensive driver. Yay me. 

  And another thing: Rob complains about more stuff.

Although I have for many years been something of a creature of the night, preferring late hours and later mornings whenever possible, there are many facets of staying up and howling at the moon that frankly suck. In particular, I've become increasingly intolerant of late night talk shows. Yes, I'm talking to you, Messrs. Letterman, Leno, and, yes, even you, my dear old companion of the wee hours, Conan O'Brien. I'm tired of opening monologues, that have long ago stopped being funny and simply become predictable. I'm even tired of "desk bits," though Pimp-Bot and Triumph the Comic Insult Dog will always have special places in my jaded old heart.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks that the formula for late night talk shows has gotten stale -- in fact, downright moldy. Have I become such a curmudgeon that all I see are the same old guests making the same circuit of shows, pitching their latest movie or album or book or claim to fame? Is there no other soul who tires of empty banter with the band leader? Not a wretch out there who is weary of the bland, barely topical jokes?

Personally, I think that I've been spoiled by the Daily Show, which has just set the bar so high for me that the others cannot compete. The Daily Show is ruthless in making you laugh at the headlines, versus merely laughing at a typo in a headline. While all talk shows have an interest in keeping the humour bland and inoffensive, the Daily Show pokes fun at those in power in what I would call a fairly non-partisan way. While much mirth is made of the Bush Administration, you get the sense that if the balance of power were to shift, the jokes would as well. That said, the jokes are also fair. People out there of all political stripes really do and say things that make you want to rub your eyes in disbelief and shout, "Whaaaaa?" The Daily Show takes on the worst of mass media by pointing out the sins of omission propagated by journalists (who have abdicated their responsibility to being diligent investigators and critics of conventional wisdom and instead work hard to not offend the large media conglomerates they work for), and the commisions by politicians. John Stewart taking on Tucker Carlson and telling him that his show was hurting America because of its partisan hackery and its worship of knee-jerk reactionaries rather than honest intellectual debate -- which was a bigger part of the overall decline of American discourse.

I also have to say that I'm generally disappointed in Conan O'Brien lately. His show used to be my favourite. I thought it was clever and original and was the source of oh so much goodness, including his coinage of "Krunk," the perfect word to sneak in to a scene when the network censors won't let you swear (such as when the flaming car goes over the cliff, you shout 'Kruuuuuuuuunk!' as you go over). I've watched it considerably less since Andy Richter left, however, though one thing that I've seen puncuate more and more of his monologues is fat jokes, and that never makes me laugh. I mean, I think there are all kinds of reasons to laugh at people, but Conan has become downright nasty in his attempts at humour. Every night he has some quip about Ruben Stoddard or Star Jones being heavy, and I don't laugh. I change the channel. It's true that I myself am 40 pounds this side of sexy, but even if I were as thin and svelte as my efforts in the gym will one day leave me, I still wouldn't laugh because it's cheap, nasty, humourless taunting. The audience always groans and Conan invariably then makes a weird face and shrugs off the flop but he does it again, night after night.

And then there's Jay Leno, who like too many others is so bland in his humour because of the fact that he doesn't want to offend anyone, least of all the corporate masters who own NBC. I mean, at least Letterman will bite the hands that feed, thinking, "I don't care -- that's CBS' problem." Whenever I watch the Tonight Show, which is inevitably a brief and tortured affair, the main source of laughter is the forced, nasal guffaws of band leader Kevin Eubanks. I think a fundamental term of his contract is that he has to laugh whenever Jay finishes a sentence with that tell-tale, desperate pause for gratification. Jay's Michael Jackson jokes are thin and repetitive, akin to Conan's harping on fat people, as are his continuing, ad nauseam cracks about Al Gore being dull and Hilary Clinton being a bitch, as though such dated zingers are actually such a miraculous source of comic energy that they can propel you for five years. His endorsement of Arnold Schwarzenegger for Governor of California wasn't so much the last straw (because everyone has the right to their stupid opinion), but rather the penultimate chapter of a long series of disappointments. The smug, frankly Republican tone taken by Leno since then does make me roll my eyes, however, as it is clear this millionaire knows who is looking out for him. If I wanted to watch an unfunny Republican, I'd watch Dennis Miller.

Nope, I'll definitely take the Daily Show. It has set the standard, and no one else is in that league, sadly. Jon Stewart doesn't always attract the big name guests, but his guests are always worth listening to, particularly when they're not there flogging a new book or movie. Jon is an astute interviewer who asks pointed, insightful questions based on what must be careful research. He has a lightning wit, and will doggedly probe a question that bothers him when talking to a guest, but at the same time can think on his feet when something doesn't go as planned and still turn it into a great laugh. He even kept me smiling during the 2004 Presidential Election, when most of North America was very unhappy with the results.

On the bright side, I went out with a friend from school today to this weird, culty restaurant run by the devotees of mystic leader Sri Chimnoy, and as she dug into her vegetarian potato skins, she pulled out a kidney bean and said, "Look -- I found a leader bean!" For all the television that I now rue, Simpsons references still make my day. 

  Scram, you ghouls!

Well, Terri Schiavo passed away today. May that poor woman finally rest in peace. 

  If you're too lazy to say it yourself, let someone else.

The theory of the entire greeting card industry put into practical use by me. Here's a great post from the ever-astute Fafblog on that nefarious "culture of life."

The New Adventures of LifeMan!

ZOOM! Up in the sky – is it a bird? A plane? No, it’s LifeMan, protector of all things good and politically expedient!

“Look there, old chum!” says Life Man scannin the world with his super-secret lifemovision! “Down at the ReddiMart – it’s my arch-nemesis, Dr. Prescripto, and he’s endangering the unconceived!”
“This looks like a job for LifeMan!” says me!
“Here you go, children!” cackles the evil Dr. Prescripto. “These are birth control pills… with them you can have rampant promiscuous premarital sex without getting prrrrregnant! MWA-HAHAHAHAHA!”
“Stop right there, Prescripto!” says LifeMan. “Sperm cells may have only half the soul of a fetus, but there’s billions more of them – making your reckless war against unwanted pregnancy a cosmic genocide!”
“Maybe so, LifeMan, but you’re powerless to stop me!” says the evil Dr. Prescripto twirlin his mustache!
“Hardly, villain!” says LifeMan blastin the baddie with his zealotzap ray! “I’ve staffed this pharmacy with good, decent people who won’t give your sperm-murdering pills to anyone!”
“Noooo! Foiled again!” says Dr. Prescripto explodin in a puff a smoke.
“Now to take down the threat of Masturbatron – and the nefarious menstruation cycle!” says LifeMan.
“LifeMan, you have to help me!” says a little Muslim boy runnin up to us. “My father is being tortured to death by soldiers who have occupied our country!”
“This looks like a job for LifeMan!” says me!
“It sure does, little friend!” says LifeMan. “Police, please arrest this boy. He may have information vital to national security.”

LIFEMAN! ZOOM!

 

  Returning to the Land of the Living

My site went down unexpectedly today when a hard drive crashed at directNIC (my webhost), and so for a spell you probably saw nothing at all, or a page indicating that bigjuicybrains.net was "under construction" (my most hated combination of words, saying absolutely nothing about a website except that its creator is a moron, since websites are always under construction). Now, thankfully, everything seems to have been restored from their backup tapes, though I'm going to have a look around and confirm this.

I also have to apologize for my sparse posting. I've been busy and a little down lately. I spent a lot of time watching the implosion of the US Republican Party as it embraced the worst of the evangelical wingnuts in their ghoulish efforts to "save" Terri Schiavo with distortion, bile, and a perversion of the checks and balances of the constitution that has backfired so terribly on the opportunistic politicians that they're carefully backing away from their "culture of life" stances and slanderous invective of a week before. I'm glad that the end is now in sight for that poor woman. I hate to think what would happen, particularly the violence that might ensue, if this drama and grandstanding and executive sabre-rattling persisted for much longer.

Otherwise, I've been feeling a bit blah about school, and also feeling a bit lonely in the girl department, though these concerns are but wisps against the broader backdrop of the world. But after a long and restful Easter weekend, I am sure to have my outrage batteries freshly charged and ready to rant again.