the daily snivel

 

I made just the witsiest bit of a fool out of myself this week by professing my affection to someone amazing that I know, asking her out, and happily settling for her response of "Maybe -- I need to think about it," as a way of signifying that it wasn't so much me that was the source of her hemming and hawing so much as the prospect of romantic entanglement per se. At least, that was really the feeling I got after we chatted about the whole thing. We'd gone out on a date before, last year, but fun though it was, I moved much too quickly for my friend's comfort and we agreed to slow things way down. Recently, the quality of time we'd been spending together prompted me to ask her out again. I also told her that I was in no rush, and simply thought that she was a beautiful, brilliant, and funny person to spend time with. So in my mind, things were looking pretty happy, and I wandered about my merry way this week with such thoughts bubbling through my head.

This quickly proved itself a mistaken interpretation, and as a result I feel like quite the fool right now. At a party this weekend, it was clear that my friend -- though sociable, funny, and kind as always -- was not quite comfortable around me. A few of us went to a bar afterwards, and despite the fact that we were all quite drunk, flirty, and in no way socially inhibited (one person spent a fair bit of her time variously biting me, licking me, slapping my bottom, and telling me that I was "cute" in all my nervous squirming), my there seemed to be an invisible wall between my friend and myself (entirely aside from the physical barrier of Ms. Bitey, who was, I must mention, in no way attempting to get me in the sack).

Afterwards, still thoroughly tipsy but sober enough to be confused by how awkward things seemed, I did confide in a mutual friend who said that from everything she knew, our friend was definitely not interested in me. Any ambiguity could probably be attributed to trying to spare my feelings, but at the same time it was certain that she really was trying to say "no" to my question as clearly as possible.

Calamity.

And it's not the rejection that has me feeling awkward and unhappy. It's the confusion and the knowledge that this misunderstanding has potentially strained a friendship. I mean, I'm not a teenager anymore, and I don't hold long-standing unrequited crushes. As a curmudgeonly 27-year-old, it really has sunk in from long experience that the sting of rejection inevitably fades, and there's always someone else down the road, and even I will reject people from time to time. Meanwhile, there's both booze and the "Sad Rob" iTunes playlist (in contrast to the lesser-known "Happy Rob" playlist) that I listen to obsessively often to comfort me.

I wrote my friend a note explaining that I'd come to the conclusion that she wasn't comfortable with my affection, that we seem to have miscommunicated somewhere in the process, and that I promised to keep things on a purely friendly level from here on in.

I daresay there are friendships out there that have weathered worse.