All he really wants is a friendly bosom to rest his head against

The Average Gal's Trouble-Shooting Guide to Rob.
by Broken Illusions, just your average girl.

Alright, so you've decided to be Rob's friend. You've met him somewhere, you've enjoyed his company, and you're thinking, 'Gee, this Rob guy seems pretty cool. I wonder where things go from here?' Well, search no more, this is the woman's complete guide to Rob! Written to prevent confusion and exasperation by one who knows.

1. Hey, is this Rob guy for real? Yes, yes he is. You can be sure with Rob that he's not trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Rob believes in honesty, mostly because he's just that good inside, but partly because the truth is always a whole lot more fun and revealing than lying. What Rob really enjoys is getting to know a person's mind, and letting you get to know his. It's very hard to do that when people pretend to be something they're not. Rob is probably one of the last people on the planet who will like you for who you really are.

2. Is Rob really just a woman trapped in man's body? It would probably be more accurate to say that Rob is a really sensitive guy who sometimes wishes he could turn in his membership card to the male gender for a week of vacationing as a woman. Don't get me wrong, Rob enjoys being who he is, and a huge part of his identity is certainly that he's male. It's just that he often gets very embarrassed about the behaviour of his fellow males. He can't stand the illiterate, womanizing, boorish men of the world who can't appreciate the beauty of women.

3. So, you're saying Rob likes women? I'm saying Rob loves women. All sizes, shapes, and colours. Rob has a deep respect for women, not only because their bodies are capable of functions that his is not capable of, but because he feels that women are so much cooler than men (on the whole - because there's no accounting for idiots no matter how cute they are). Most of Rob's dear friends are women. He has this supernatural ability to sympathize with women, right from the heart. I think I can best attribute this to the household in which he was raised. His mother, sister and grandmother contributed greatly to his view of people. You see, Rob was never taught that women are passive, silly, creatures that can't fend for themselves in the world. His mom raised four children (4 dogs, & numerous hamsters) on her own, and each of them has become a well- rounded, self-sufficient power on the planet. Rob's sister, to whom he is close, is a writer, editor, publisher and cartographer with her own magazine. She's strong and vibrant. The years that our devoted Rob spent with his grandmother helped complete the view of how strong a woman can be throughout her life, through many hardships, while still maintaining her identity and dignity.

4. What does Rob like to do with his time? Rob works for a living, so he really appreciates his leisure time. If you've read his web page throughout, you can get a sense for the kind of writer and poet he is. Also, he's a fabulous artist with pencil, paint, and especially ink. And thank God he's literate! Rob enjoys everything from comic books to classic literature, all the way down to books and film about one of his fascinations, the atrocities of war and man's inhumanity to man. Now, of course, like all good people everywhere, his strongest passion can be said to be an obsession with Star Wars items - the movies, the books (bad as they may be) and the toys (he is trying to reassemble his childhood collection). I would have to say, though, that Rob's ultimate activity 'du choix' is hanging out with his friends and having a great old time. Yup, for Rob, you just can't beat a day with your friends, indoors watching t.v., talking over coffee, or running around the city doing fun things. You can bet on finding Rob in a lot of coffee shops, movie theatres, art galleries and bookstores.

5. What are Rob's values? Well, as previously mentioned, Rob values honesty. He's a gentleman. Marriage is forever. You have to learn to appreciate the good things. Loyalty to friends is important. Rob is kind and fair to all people. He doesn't discriminate - in fact, he just hates the prejudiced masses. He believes that all people, regardless of their race, age, gender, physical and mental ability, sexual identity and orientation have a right to exist and be happy. Rob just hates injustice. It gets under his skin and gives him a rash of ire that won't fade for days. He believes in hard work as much as he believes in leisure - they are both equally important to your sense of self-worth.

6. Okay, now what else does Rob value? Rob values people who are straightforward. He is often generous to a fault with people, choosing to believe in their good nature. Though he knows it isn't so, or always practical to believe in it, Rob would like a world where people put all their cards on their table. Rob values the little things in life; a kind word, a smile, a hug and a phone call. It takes so little to pick people up from the doldrums that he wonders why people don't take care of each other more often. Rob is also an advocate for literacy. Reading and writing are so primarily essential to how humans communicate, that it's no less than a tragedy when people are not given the chance to learn. Rob values people with open minds, who are always willing to talk, debate, and learn from each other.

7. So, I've heard that Rob, by nature, is a little bit whiny... I guess it depends. You see, he's got his Daily Snivel - the journal he keeps on his page, through which he can vent to the world. It's a nice, controlled way of ranting. A way of putting things out and then leaving them behind. Rob's a very sensitive person & a lateral thinker, which makes for some tough moments. Sometimes, the secret of getting along with him is to imagine how he feels about a situation. It's his sensitivity that often makes people think he'd make an excellent woman. Sometimes, Rob might seem to overreact to something, but it's usually the result of a misunderstanding. Now, an overreaction for Rob is likely to manifest itself in a little black cloud over his head for a few days, but he just keeps it to himself, not wanting to bother anyone. You've got to coax it out of him.
It's good to keep in mind that Rob absolutely hates conflict and doesn't hide his motives. So, when an issue comes up with friends/loved ones that upsets Rob, he will tell you immediately how he feels about it. Then he'll doubtless spend days trying to reconcile that action with his gentlemanly nature of not wanting to offend anyone, wonder if he's made the situation worse by speaking his heart and mind, and try to figure out if there's anything he can do to put you at ease and reassure you that he doesn't want to fight, and really just wants to be friends again. The things about being a lateral thinker is that you try to approach every problem from every possible angle at once. It's very confusing to know just what to do to make things better sometimes.

8. How the hell do I get Rob out of this funk he's in? Be kind to him. It's as simple as that. Ask him if he wants to talk about whatever's bugging him. You can offer advice too, because Rob likes the advice and opinion of others as they can help him gain new perspectives on what's going on. Give him a hug if you're inclined. Rob doesn't refuse them. I always find it's helpful to reassure him of why I like being his friend. We can all go around thinking we're the neatest thing since Orbitz drinks, but it's nice to hear it from someone other than our egos once in awhile.

9. Hey, I've got a brand new Rob! How do I care for him? The care and feeding of Rob is pretty easy. Rob's a vegetarian, so as long as you keep plenty of tasty vegetable, egg, and cheese dishes around, he'll be happy. Also, you can ply him with Jolt cola and candy. Do note, he's a vegetarian, not a vegan. The general rule is that Rob won't eat anything that ever had eyes, plus anything eyeless that used to live in the sea. (Seaweed, maybe, but seaweed is in everything these days.) Rob thrives anywhere there are bright lights, friendly people, good music and cool toys to play with. Now, Rob's pretty cuddle-intensive. You can't possibly dole out enough cuddling or backrubs for him. The nice thing is, he'll return them all in kind. Take care of Rob and he'll take care of you.

10. What can I expect if I become friends with Rob? Well, you can expect devotion, love, attention, and random acts of kindness. You can expect stimulating conversation, pleasant silences, and the admiration and support of someone who really cares about your well-being. You can look forward to someone to share the good times with, and someone who will be there to help see you through the bad times. You'll have the satisfaction of knowing that even on your worst day, someone is keeping you in their head and heart. Someone who will always be pleased to hear from you, whether it's for a minute or for a day. There is no length Rob would not go to, to help a friend.

11. What can I expect if I date Rob? Aside from all the stuff you get just by being his friend, there are many added perks to dating Rob! You can expect him to remember dates like your birthday, your first kiss together, the first time you fed each other ice cream. If you forget how tall you are, Rob can tell you! You'll have your very own specialist on you! Rob's a sweet and generous guy, so, (while you should never ever take it for granted) you can probably expect little surprise gifts that cheer you up at just the right moment. Rob will try his very best to make you feel loved every day of your life, and on special occasions or holidays, he'll do cute and whimsical things, like hang a string of lollipops from your ceiling on Christmas and make you a candy stocking. He might even write love poetry for you. Not to reveal past modesty, but you can also enjoy an absolutely considerate and devoted romantic partner.

12. Should I tell Rob what's on my mind? You should always tell Rob how you feel. It's hard to communicate without communicating. You can always feel free to debate social, political, and religious issues with Rob. He's a cool conversationalist, and has many broad ideas about the universe.

13. How do I go about getting myself a Rob? Though everpresent, Rob can be difficult to track down. You can write to him from his webpage if you want to say hello, or tell him you like some of the stuff he puts out into the world. Some people go about getting Rob by putting posters up around town, starting a city wide man-hunt (no joke, folks). Of course, you can buddy up to his friends, and have them introduce you. For instance, Rob and I met when our mutual friend Mumford kidnapped us and took us out for coffee. You can also attend the same university classes as Rob, and catch his eye by being a smarty. (A smarty, not a smart-ass.) You can also catch his eye with Tim Burton-esque stripy leggings, strangely coloured or styled hair, and by being confident of yourself.

14. Uh oh, Rob's turned over on his stomach. What do I do? Rub his back.

15. What does it mean when Rob says, "Maybe." If he says, "Uh, maybe. We'll see." It means no. If he says, "Umm, maaaybe." and looks up at you, it means yes.

16. If I change my appearance, will Rob hate me? Don't be silly.

17. Oh my god, I've just been blinded by Rob's room. That's okay. It happens. Just close your eyes for a minute. Open them very slowly, and take a good look around. The reason his room is so full of objects is to encourage people to look around.

18. Is it okay to be mean to Rob? Do you like kicking puppies or something? It's not okay to be mean to Rob. He'll take you seriously. Just tell him what's up with you. I've never known Rob to give people a reason to be mean to him.

19. Will Rob hate me if I happen to know more things than he does? No, Rob's ego doesn't work that way. He'll think you're cool. He'll enjoy talking to you. He'll want to share and learn.

If you have more question you'd like added to this list, email them to Rob, and they will be answered here. Will you be the lucky person to have asked the twentieth question about Rob?

You don't have to be Wonder Woman to be Rob's friend. You just have to know him.

-xo Broken.

rob

write

broken

1. Hey, is this Rob guy for real?		Yes, yes he is. You can be sure with Rob that he's not trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Rob believes in honesty, mostly because he's just that good inside, but partly because the truth is always a whole lot more fun and revealing than lying. What Rob really enjoys is getting to know a person's mind, and letting you get to know his. It's very hard to do that when people pretend to be something they're not. Rob is probably one of the last people on the planet who will like you for who you really are.

2. Is Rob really just a woman trapped in man's body?		It would probably be more accurate to say that Rob is a really sensitive guy who sometimes wishes he could turn in his membership card to the male gender for a week of vacationing as a woman. Don't get me wrong, Rob enjoys being who he is, and a huge part of his identity is certainly that he's male. It's just that he often gets very embarrassed about the behaviour of his fellow males. He can't stand the illiterate, womanizing, boorish men of the world who can't appreciate the beauty of women.

3. So, you're saying Rob likes women?		I'm saying Rob loves women. All sizes, shapes, and colours. Rob has a deep respect for women, not only because their bodies are capable of functions that his is not capable of, but because he feels that women are so much cooler than men (on the whole - because there's no accounting for idiots no matter how cute they are). Most of Rob's dear friends are women. He has this supernatural ability to sympathize with women, right from the heart. I think I can best attribute this to the household in which he was raised. His mother, sister and grandmother contributed greatly to his view of people. You see, Rob was never taught that women are passive, silly, creatures that can't fend for themselves in the world. His mom raised four children (4 dogs, & numerous hamsters) on her own, and each of them has become a well- rounded, self-sufficient power on the planet. Rob's sister, to whom he is close, is a writer, editor, publisher and cartographer with her own magazine. She's strong and vibrant. The years that our devoted Rob spent with his grandmother helped complete the view of how strong a woman can be throughout her life, through many hardships, while still maintaining her identity and dignity.

4. What does Rob like to do with his time?		Rob works for a living, so he really appreciates his leisure time. If you've read his web page throughout, you can get a sense for the kind of writer and poet he is. Also, he's a fabulous artist with pencil, paint, and especially ink. And thank God he's literate! Rob enjoys everything from comic books to classic literature, all the way down to books and film about one of his fascinations, the atrocities of war and man's inhumanity to man. Now, of course, like all good people everywhere, his strongest passion can be said to be an obsession with Star Wars items - the movies, the books (bad as they may be) and the toys (he is trying to reassemble his childhood collection). I would have to say, though, that Rob's ultimate activity 'du choix' is hanging out with his friends and having a great old time. Yup, for Rob, you just can't beat a day with your friends, indoors watching t.v., talking over coffee, or running around the city doing fun things. You can bet on finding Rob in a lot of coffee shops, movie theatres, art galleries and bookstores.

5. What are Rob's values?		Well, as previously mentioned, Rob values honesty. He's a gentleman. Marriage is forever. You have to learn to appreciate the good things. Loyalty to friends is important. Rob is kind and fair to all people. He doesn't discriminate - in fact, he just hates the prejudiced masses. He believes that all people, regardless of their race, age, gender, physical and mental ability, sexual identity and orientation have a right to exist and be happy. Rob just hates injustice. It gets under his skin and gives him a rash of ire that won't fade for days. He believes in hard work as much as he believes in leisure - they are both equally important to your sense of self-worth.

*6. Okay, now what else* does Rob value?**		Rob values people who are straightforward. He is often generous to a fault with people, choosing to believe in their good nature. Though he knows it isn't so, or always practical to believe in it, Rob would like a world where people put all their cards on their table. Rob values the little things in life; a kind word, a smile, a hug and a phone call. It takes so little to pick people up from the doldrums that he wonders why people don't take care of each other more often. Rob is also an advocate for literacy. Reading and writing are so primarily essential to how humans communicate, that it's no less than a tragedy when people are not given the chance to learn. Rob values people with open minds, who are always willing to talk, debate, and learn from each other.

7. So, I've heard that Rob, by nature, is a little bit whiny...		I guess it depends. You see, he's got his Daily Snivel - the journal he keeps on his page, through which he can vent to the world. It's a nice, controlled way of ranting. A way of putting things out and then leaving them behind. Rob's a very sensitive person & a lateral thinker, which makes for some tough moments. Sometimes, the secret of getting along with him is to imagine how he feels about a situation. It's his sensitivity that often makes people think he'd make an excellent woman. Sometimes, Rob might seem to overreact to something, but it's usually the result of a misunderstanding. Now, an overreaction for Rob is likely to manifest itself in a little black cloud over his head for a few days, but he just keeps it to himself, not wanting to bother anyone. You've got to coax it out of him. It's good to keep in mind that Rob absolutely hates conflict and doesn't hide his motives. So, when an issue comes up with friends/loved ones that upsets Rob, he will tell you immediately how he feels about it. Then he'll doubtless spend days trying to reconcile that action with his gentlemanly nature of not wanting to offend anyone, wonder if he's made the situation worse by speaking his heart and mind, and try to figure out if there's anything he can do to put you at ease and reassure you that he doesn't want to fight, and really just wants to be friends again. The things about being a lateral thinker is that you try to approach every problem from every possible angle at once. It's very confusing to know just what to do to make things better sometimes.

8. How the hell do I get Rob out of this funk he's in?		Be kind to him. It's as simple as that. Ask him if he wants to talk about whatever's bugging him. You can offer advice too, because Rob likes the advice and opinion of others as they can help him gain new perspectives on what's going on. Give him a hug if you're inclined. Rob doesn't refuse them. I always find it's helpful to reassure him of why I like being his friend. We can all go around thinking we're the neatest thing since Orbitz drinks, but it's nice to hear it from someone other than our egos once in awhile.

9. Hey, I've got a brand new Rob! How do I care for him?		The care and feeding of Rob is pretty easy. Rob's a vegetarian, so as long as you keep plenty of tasty vegetable, egg, and cheese dishes around, he'll be happy. Also, you can ply him with Jolt cola and candy. Do note, he's a vegetarian, not a vegan. The general rule is that Rob won't eat anything that ever had eyes, plus anything eyeless that used to live in the sea. (Seaweed, maybe, but seaweed is in everything these days.) Rob thrives anywhere there are bright lights, friendly people, good music and cool toys to play with. Now, Rob's pretty cuddle-intensive. You can't possibly dole out enough cuddling or backrubs for him. The nice thing is, he'll return them all in kind. Take care of Rob and he'll take care of you.

10. What can I expect if I become friends with Rob?		Well, you can expect devotion, love, attention, and random acts of kindness. You can expect stimulating conversation, pleasant silences, and the admiration and support of someone who really cares about your well-being. You can look forward to someone to share the good times with, and someone who will be there to help see you through the bad times. You'll have the satisfaction of knowing that even on your worst day, someone is keeping you in their head and heart. Someone who will always be pleased to hear from you, whether it's for a minute or for a day. There is no length Rob would not go to, to help a friend.

*11. What can I expect if I date* Rob?**		Aside from all the stuff you get just by being his friend, there are many added perks to dating Rob! You can expect him to remember dates like your birthday, your first kiss together, the first time you fed each other ice cream. If you forget how tall you are, Rob can tell you! You'll have your very own specialist on you! Rob's a sweet and generous guy, so, (while you should never ever take it for granted) you can probably expect little surprise gifts that cheer you up at just the right moment. Rob will try his very best to make you feel loved every day of your life, and on special occasions or holidays, he'll do cute and whimsical things, like hang a string of lollipops from your ceiling on Christmas and make you a candy stocking. He might even write love poetry for you. Not to reveal past modesty, but you can also enjoy an absolutely considerate and devoted romantic partner.

12. Should I tell Rob what's on my mind?		You should always tell Rob how you feel. It's hard to communicate without communicating. You can always feel free to debate social, political, and religious issues with Rob. He's a cool conversationalist, and has many broad ideas about the universe.

13. How do I go about getting myself a Rob?		Though everpresent, Rob can be difficult to track down. You can write to him from his webpage if you want to say hello, or tell him you like some of the stuff he puts out into the world. Some people go about getting Rob by putting posters up around town, starting a city wide man-hunt (no joke, folks). Of course, you can buddy up to his friends, and have them introduce you. For instance, Rob and I met when our mutual friend Mumford kidnapped us and took us out for coffee. You can also attend the same university classes as Rob, and catch his eye by being a smarty. (A smarty, not a smart-ass.) You can also catch his eye with Tim Burton-esque stripy leggings, strangely coloured or styled hair, and by being confident of yourself.

14. Uh oh, Rob's turned over on his stomach. What do I do?		Rub his back.

15. What does it mean when Rob says, "Maybe."		If he says, "Uh, maybe. We'll see." It means no. If he says, "Umm, maaaybe." and looks up at you, it means yes.

16. If I change my appearance, will Rob hate me?		Don't be silly.

17. Oh my god, I've just been blinded by Rob's room.		That's okay. It happens. Just close your eyes for a minute. Open them very slowly, and take a good look around. The reason his room is so full of objects is to encourage people to look around.

18. Is it okay to be mean to Rob?		Do you like kicking puppies or something? It's not okay to be mean to Rob. He'll take you seriously. Just tell him what's up with you. I've never known Rob to give people a reason to be mean to him.

19. Will Rob hate me if I happen to know more things than he does?		No, Rob's ego doesn't work that way. He'll think you're cool. He'll enjoy talking to you. He'll want to share and learn.