the daily snivel

Apple is right. You are an idiot.

If you bought an iPhone and you think Apple should give you $200, you are an idiot. In fact, you are so stupid I am hereby cordially inviting you to come to Seattle so I can punch you in the face. I don’t care if you were at the Apple Store signing your credit card receipt the moment the price dropped. You are not entitled to shit. You do not deserve shit. If you not only think Apple should give you shit, but you actually believe you are entitled to shit, let me expand my offer. Come to Seattle, and after I punch you in the face, I will pull down my pants and shit on you. You’re not entitled to that, but you do deserve it.

Let me explain to you how business works. Apple made you a proposition. They said, we’ll give you this amazing phone that you’ve been waiting for, maybe even begging us specifically for, for $599. You said, hmm, that seems reasonable. You paid the money, you got the phone. If Apple then turned to the person next to you and said, I’ll give you the phone for a bite of your sandwich, guess what, asshole? That is none of your goddamned business. I don’t care if you have a sandwich that you’re perfectly willing to share with Apple if only you had known it was hungry. I don’t care if your sandwich is better. I don’t care if it’s the best sandwich in the world and your mother made it right before she succumbed to cancer and you just had a baby and it’s really hard. All of that crap is completely irrelevant.

Now, Apple is not a company run by jerks. Rather, Apple is a company run by people are very generous. Indeed, they give you a certain period of time, which for the sake of argument I am going to call 14 days. I don’t care if it’s actually 14 days. It could be 14 years or 14 seconds. It doesn’t matter. The point is Apple says, “Just because we are not jerks, if we lower the price of this or upgrade it in a certain period of time, we will give you the difference or let you get the new version.”

So, if you were signing your receipt and the price dropped, Apple would give you $200. That doesn’t mean you deserve it. That doesn’t mean you’re entitled to it, except insofar as it’s part of the deal. It certainly doesn’t suggest that, if you bought your iPhone 15 days ago you missed it by a day. You missed by two weeks and a day, and by “missed it,” I mean you didn’t miss anything because there never was a thing. You made the deal. If you went past the period even by a second, or if there was no period at all, that’s bad luck, but it’s just that.

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I got in line for my iPhone at midnight. I slept on the sidewalk in front of the store. I waited there all day long until the store opened at 6 p.m., then I went inside, got my phone, and left. The next day, I went back for a case and guess what, they still had iPhones. The guy standing next to me at the case rack said, “I bet the people who were waiting in line yesterday feel stupid.”

Despite the fact I am a socialphobe who hates conflict, I turned to him and said, "You know what? I waited in line yesterday. I slept in front of the store. I don’t feel stupid. Why would I? I got my iPhone. That these people also got an iPhone doesn’t change that fact. What I could have done doesn’t change that fact. I waited and would wait again. You know what else? The iPhone is fucking awesome."

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I believe people need to be rewarded for good behavior and punished for bad behavior. Keep your word, and everyone benefits. Break your word and you’re threatening the whole word-keeping system. If Apple sold you an iPhone and you got home and opened the box and it was a pear, you would be pretty upset. The deal was, I give you $599 and you give me an iPhone. This is a pear. That was not the deal. You would suggest Apple needs to be punished, and I would agree.

If, on the other hand, you open the box and it’s a phone, but you turn around and demand $200 back, you are the one breaking the deal. If, in the commission of this breach of contract, you call the Apple store and yell, insult, and threaten the employees, you are behaving very badly. If Apple gives you $200, they have rewarded your breaking the deal and furthermore rewarded your abusing their employees.

This is not a victimless crime. You are yelling at, insulting, and threatening a real person. I don’t care if it’s a dance. You are hurting someone because you are a deal-breaking cock. That person is now having a terrible day, thanks to you, your dishonesty, and your greed. And what hath thou wrought?

Now the person who tried to help you is going to give bad customer service to someone who deserves good customer service. They are going to be angry in traffic and make other people angry. They are going to be cross with their spouses and intolerant of their children.

Is your $200 worth that? The answer is fuck you. It would be “no,” except that’s so fucking obvious the fact you’d even have to ask means you’re too stupid to understand what “no” means. So, fuck you.