the daily snivel

Normally, I hate being on those mass e-mail forwarding lists, where people send you videos of kittens doing cute things (nothing against kittens doing cute things -- just people who forward them. They can die and go to hell) or chain letters that tell you to "pass it on to 15 friends" or credible sounding alerts that two seconds on snopes.com would have told you are e-mail hoaxes.

I make exceptions for content that is timely and appropriate, or really of specific interest to me. When someone sees something they think is really important, or too funny to pass up, and send it to you alone or at most five other contacts -- and most importantly don't do it with every last goldurned thang to be forwarded into their mailboxes by others -- I am of course, quite pleased because some thought actually went into sending it along.

This is one of those occasions. You may have seen it (a similar version went around when Dr. Laura relied on the Bible to justify her obsolete views), but it's very biting and exposes the hypocrisy of claiming that the Bible forbids some activities as abominations (say, gay marriage) but is perfectly OK on all the other abominations that would otherwise inconvenience you personally or conflict with the laws we all agree make society bearable.

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... end of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev 15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27.
How should they die?

I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev 20:14)

I know, President Bush, you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Jesus wouldn't judge others, kids. Nor should you.

P.S. Redemption is through a life of good works, not just faith. Anything less is just jiving the Lord.