the daily snivel

"Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money... very naughty.
"Shopkeepers not paying their protection money... exactly as naughty."

[audio file]

Futurama (why Fox cancelled this show and kept the clever but not-nearly-as-funny King of the Hill on the air, I'll never know) tells us the legend of Robot Santa Claus, who was invented to bring Christmas to the world, but was programmed with standards that were set too high. He invariably judges everyone as naughty, and rains death upon the naughty people of Earth every Christmas (known in the year 3000 simply as "X-Mas"). The idea kind of got me thinking about our own, very human, moral failings. Even a realistic Santa Claus would find very few people who were actually nice in this world of intolerance, greed, violence, apathy, and inequality, particularly among the "values voters" who talk an awful lot of Jesus but practice none of his teachings. But I'm not here to rant about fundamentalist Americans. They're just an easy example of moral hypocrisy, especially at this time of year.

Let's face it. People everywhere cheat on their wives and they cheat on their boyfriends. They cheat on exams. They get violent. They plagiarize essays. They sent soldiers off to war on false pretenses to fight and die and kill indiscriminately before they themselves are killed. They take office supplies. They poison the environment. They drive after having a little too much to drink. They abuse the help. They lie. They break promises. They put money above dignity, loyalty, or decency. They're two-faced. They hope the ends justify the means. And, yep, some of them are terrorists, whether they bomb abortion clinics or airplanes. I could go on, but I hope you get my point.

And talk about naughty -- I'm naughty. I don't think there are many people out there who are perfect, or who even come close. It's hard to do everything right all the time, and some things are just too easy to justify. We probably don't even realize some of the things we do are immoral or illegal.

I don't have any easy answers, but I can suggest one wholly nice thing to do this holiday season. Kill your Secret Santa. That's right, kill it dead.

Secret Santa exchanges. You know, you draw names out of a hat and you have to get that person a present, and usually everybody agrees to keep the cost of the present under $10 or $25 or whatever. Workplaces and organizations are constantly having gift exchanges at Christmastime, and they're always a frustrating pain in the ass. I've known people who've forgotten about it, and felt like shit when they got something nice and hadn't bought anything for that person on their list, or alternatively someone who spent a lot of time and energy finding the perfect gift under $25 and were so bitterly disappointed about the piece of crap present they got from that cheap idiot co-worker who just couldn't be bothered to make any kind of effort at all. But whatever happens, a bunch of people have spent not very much money on useless trinkets, chocolates, scented bath salts, or whatever the fuck, on people who don't really need them and don't really care. It's a terrible waste.

The next time your co-worker, dorm/residence advisor, fellow book club member or whoever proposes doing this, hoping it will get people in the holiday spirit and golly gee, be a swell thing to do, politely shoot them down with a better idea.

Instead of 10 people each spending $5 on meaningless doodads for each other, have everybody pool that $5 and donate the very respectable total to your local shelter, food bank, or snowsuit fund. I mean, it's fucking Christmastime for Christssake, so why not be charitable? Give something back. It's way more inclusive than buying and distributing X-Mas presents and way more in spirit with the season, and at least one good thing to do with yourself and your time this year to offset all the horrible little bad things you've done.

Oh, and when you do it, tell me about it.

Update: My friend Tara adds her own perspective on the expensive futility of Secret Santa exchanges:

5. Work: this place is a cesspool ov humanity. Having said that, it is also a black hole where all my money goes. Aside from the fact that every single breeder in the entire place has to sell shit for their fucking kid's school...we also have a work potluck and "secret Santa" gift exchange. So I have to bring food - and a gift for someone I barely know. Now, I think I spent more time shopping for this gift than for any other one I have this year CAUSE I BARELY KNOW THE PERSON.

So that brings us to:

6. The worst part ov this entire thing is that I also work with a woman named Gladys who does tonnes ov charity work. So every year she comes in with a list ov kids who aren't going to get Christmas presents because their parents are barely scraping by. Now last year, hardly anyone took kids. I took like 4 and then when we were really strapped I had my brother and my mom help pick up the slack. Through their combined workplaces we got like 20 gifts for kids. This year things are going well. I only took one kid this year and tried to get him as much as I could. The point ov this diatribe is this: why the fuck are we having a fucking Christmas "secret Santa" exchange when there are tonnes ov kids out there on this list who would appreciate the gifts sooooooo much more than we ever will? Like, instead ov taking just one kid, people could have taken 2 or 3. Chances are we are going to get enough crap from our respective families that we don't need another crappy gift from our coworkers.

FOR EXAMPLE: The first year I worked there, all the kids were taken except for one. So the last day everyone was like "Oh, ok we got them all" and so we spent our lunch hour wrapping & labeling the gifts. At the end we realized that one kid hadn't been taken. What did said child want [we get a list ov what they want]? Chocolate with nuts. So simple. So I ended up running to the closest convenience store to buy every single last box that I could find. Done and done.

...
7. All I really want for Christmas is to hang out with the people I love.