the daily snivel
Spring has sprung
I'm in the thick of exams this week, following a busy month wherein I wrote and submitted two essays, including my major paper (the weighty monstrosity critically examining some legal topic of one's choosing, which all law students are required to write before they can graduate) and an examination of the arrest power of private citizens under the Trespass to Property Act for my Advanced Criminal Procedure course (my thesis being that it is an aberration from Canada's general approach to powers of arrest).
Last night was the 31st birthday of a good friend of mine from school -- she's someone I've mentioned before, particularly with regard to my various disastrous attempts to woo her. Anyway, she invited some of her friends, including me, out to a swanky martini bar called "Eighteen" here in Ottawa in honour of the occasion, and we enjoyed many a martini until quite late at night. I'd walked past the bar before -- my friend referred to it as extremely "froo froo" in inviting me, and I concurred in every particular with that assessment. I wore a suit and tie both to impress and also to fit in. Ultimately, I had a very nice time and many laughs. All of us are procrastinating heavily from studying for our looming exams. I was practically pickled in cosmopolitans (since I prefer fruity drinks that taste like candy), though another friend was specializing in a little number they called a "Hawaii 5-0" that was blue and smelled lusciously like pineapples.
I got my friend a box of Godiva chocolates for her birthday, and pre-ordered her a copy of Hayden's upcoming CD, Elk Lake Serenade which is due out on May. She's the first person I ever met who's as big a fan of his as I am (some of her friends even had Hayden crash on their couch one night when they opened for him), and I was touched that she thought of my gift as extremely thoughtful.
Last night, I reached the conclusion that I love this person, as much as I know that I'll never have her and she'll never want me. I don't think I mean I am "in love" with her. I've been in love enough times to know what that feels like, and to know how destructive that can be when it isn't reciprocated. But I have an affection that has matured from infatuation to something at once more enduring and less demanding. We have a ton in common as friends, and yet are complete opposites in romantic preferences. We went out once, and it didn't work. I'm too impulsive and emotional when it comes to relationships, and she's too inhibited and distant. All the same, she's a special person to me. The ultimate implication of loving someone is putting their happiness before your own. It's about having no ulterior motives or expectations. It's about putting the good things -- the friendship -- first. And not being a bother. So that's what I've decided I am. A friend. Who loves her. And who someday will love someone else who will reciprocate, and even then will still have a place in his heart for that wonderful, screwy gal. Because I've loved and lost before, and I still care about everyone who has ever come into and out of my life, and it's part of what makes me the good, well-liked, and happy person I am today.
The conclusion, though it may seem contradictory, is that this will make it easier to walk away from the longing and puppy dog behaviour, and instead simply be myself.
And now, back to studying for my Family Law exam, which is all about what happens when true love flies out the door along with a hastily packed suitcase and usually a vase or something close behind.
Last night was the 31st birthday of a good friend of mine from school -- she's someone I've mentioned before, particularly with regard to my various disastrous attempts to woo her. Anyway, she invited some of her friends, including me, out to a swanky martini bar called "Eighteen" here in Ottawa in honour of the occasion, and we enjoyed many a martini until quite late at night. I'd walked past the bar before -- my friend referred to it as extremely "froo froo" in inviting me, and I concurred in every particular with that assessment. I wore a suit and tie both to impress and also to fit in. Ultimately, I had a very nice time and many laughs. All of us are procrastinating heavily from studying for our looming exams. I was practically pickled in cosmopolitans (since I prefer fruity drinks that taste like candy), though another friend was specializing in a little number they called a "Hawaii 5-0" that was blue and smelled lusciously like pineapples.
I got my friend a box of Godiva chocolates for her birthday, and pre-ordered her a copy of Hayden's upcoming CD, Elk Lake Serenade which is due out on May. She's the first person I ever met who's as big a fan of his as I am (some of her friends even had Hayden crash on their couch one night when they opened for him), and I was touched that she thought of my gift as extremely thoughtful.
Last night, I reached the conclusion that I love this person, as much as I know that I'll never have her and she'll never want me. I don't think I mean I am "in love" with her. I've been in love enough times to know what that feels like, and to know how destructive that can be when it isn't reciprocated. But I have an affection that has matured from infatuation to something at once more enduring and less demanding. We have a ton in common as friends, and yet are complete opposites in romantic preferences. We went out once, and it didn't work. I'm too impulsive and emotional when it comes to relationships, and she's too inhibited and distant. All the same, she's a special person to me. The ultimate implication of loving someone is putting their happiness before your own. It's about having no ulterior motives or expectations. It's about putting the good things -- the friendship -- first. And not being a bother. So that's what I've decided I am. A friend. Who loves her. And who someday will love someone else who will reciprocate, and even then will still have a place in his heart for that wonderful, screwy gal. Because I've loved and lost before, and I still care about everyone who has ever come into and out of my life, and it's part of what makes me the good, well-liked, and happy person I am today.
The conclusion, though it may seem contradictory, is that this will make it easier to walk away from the longing and puppy dog behaviour, and instead simply be myself.
And now, back to studying for my Family Law exam, which is all about what happens when true love flies out the door along with a hastily packed suitcase and usually a vase or something close behind.
